Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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