After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
