So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
