Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
