How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
