When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
