1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Pooping to opera.
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