weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
