Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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