Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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