Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
