Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize