never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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