come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
