i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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