Can i not drive my cunt home
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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