Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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