If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
