your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
