Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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