Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
