I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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