No awkward lesbian experiences without me
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize