The maid of honor just puked.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
