Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
