im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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