I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
These tits shall not be calmed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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