Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
