Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
