I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
