Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
