Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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