I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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