Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
