I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
