Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
