I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
