xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize