I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
