I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
