cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
