its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
