Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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