the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
