i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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