i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
