You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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