even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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