After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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