ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
