Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
