they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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