I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
