All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You are a genius and a whore.
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