he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
