I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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