No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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