remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
